Hello, It’s Me, Your Daughter

Was there a time in your life when you did not drink? I only remember you with a bottle in your hand. You did things you do not even remember, unspeakable things I never shared with anyone.

I forgot the fun stuff … or was there any? All I hear is your yelling. All I see is how you treated mom. The agony when you knocked with your walking stick on the bedroom floor. We heard it below while watching TV. We knew what it meant. You ordered mom up and she went to keep the peace. For hours and hours, we knew what was happening upstairs. Helpless and lost.

You are my father, my only dad. I tried to love you but somehow I couldn’t. Did you ever love me? I fell in love with my girlfriends’ dads. They seemed fun and caring. So unlike you.

Did I miss having a loving father? I don’t know because you can’t miss what you never had … they say?

For I while we tried to reconcile after you got divorced and I was older. It did not work. I wanted answers but you were still drinking. It was too hard for both of us.

The last time we talked you were dying and I did not know. Did you reach out because of it? Did your terminal cancer make you rethink your life? I will never know. One day I received a letter from your sister letting me know you passed. You already were buried. Was this your wish or your sister's?

I know your drinking made me the way I am. You trained me to be a good enabler. I married a man with the same problem you had. The only difference is that he was able to stop drinking and life is good now. You would have liked him. But you died long before I even met him.

For almost all of my adulthood, I felt useless and I suppressed my feelings. I learned that because of you. You hurt me deeply and changed me in ways you will never understand.

At some point in my life, I realized I have to let go. It was time to heal and forgive. I wish I could talk with you now and show you what became of me. The good parts. I have found myself, and can now look back with compassion. You were you because you learned it from your father, and he learned from his father. The sins of the fathers through generations.

When I think of you now I can remember you without hate in my heart. I was lucky in life. I found what I didn’t have in you in my husband’s father. He was proud of me and treated me like a daughter. I wish you could have been that to me … as I was young and needed the love of a father.

I am at peace and hope you are too.

Your Daughter