First Love

Do you remember your first love? It has been said we always do. I have been married for almost 27 years. But there are days when I can’t help it and my thoughts are wandering back…

Once upon a time, I went to visit my uncle and his family in a small village in Southern Germany. A 16-year-old from Switzerland looking forward to an exciting vacation.

On the train from Zurich to Germany I reviewed my looks in the mirror. How vain I was at that age! The trees were flying by and one little village after the other passed. I enjoyed a little flirt with the conductor who punched a hole in my ticket (yes it indeed was a long time ago) and snacked on my little bag with goodies. I couldn’t wait to see my cousins again. Stefan was a year older and Maria a year younger than I. I knew that Stefan had a whole bunch of curious friends who were waiting to see his little cousin from Switzerland.

My uncle run a dairy farm and Stefan was helping his father as much as he could. In my cousin Maria I had a fierce admirer of my “worldliness”. Growing up in a big city in Switzerland meant the world to young girls in a small village. Tickled by her admiration I inflated that image as the “experienced” cousin.

My uncle picked me up from the train station. His house sat on the highest point in the village with an incredible view. That the picturesque town was nestled within the Bavarian mountains didn’t mean much to me. I was more interested in the male population.

As soon I settled in Stefan’s buddies started to flock to the farmhouse. My cousin proudly watched over “his” Swiss girl. The boys brought wine and snacks to impress. In Germany you could get alcohol as soon you were able to peek over a bar table. I felt like a queen residing on top of the hill over a little kingdom. Rarely did I get so much attention at once. I still can visualize myself sitting on that living room couch with all the boys around me. Even my quiet uncle had to chuckle. To his delight, some of the boys offered to help in the barn just to get to spend time with me. If that doesn’t inflate a girl’s confidence …!

With the help of Stefan or shall I say under his guidance we played some tricks on his friends. Especially Peter was a target. Stefan said that Peter used to set up girls and that it was payback time. My cousin told Peter that I was very willing to “spend alone time” with him. With a code word at the right time to be rescued when it felt too uncomfortable for me, we humiliated Peter to the core because everybody got to hear about it. Even years later he avoided the farm whenever I was visiting. Who knew I would have such an impact on a young man?

I was staying in Maria’s room together with her and next door was Stefan’s place. Stefan, a very “crafty” young man, suggested we should set up his recording equipment so that we could chat from one room to the other during the night. It worked wonderfully.

Every evening after we went to bed we started chatting. At some point Maria always fell asleep, Stefan and I were left to our midnight conversations. Sometimes we got up after midnight, went down to the kitchen and ate bread with sausage, and had a beer while everybody was sleeping. My uncle made all the sausages himself and the bread was wonderful bread homemade by my aunt. In my family, everybody is a “foodie” and I was in 7th food heaven besides being able to spend lonely dark hours with Stefan.

Naturally, Stefan and I started to fall in love with each other. Our nightly chats became very romantic. My cousin made my heart pound faster and my cheeks blushed into crimson red. He used to call my name in his Bavarian dialect which made my knees weaken. Every night we couldn’t wait until Maria fell asleep. Even today it is a mystery to me that she never found out.

It took a while to really admit our feelings for each other. Stefan was raised catholic, and my belief system considered it a sin to be in love with your cousin. Every night after Maria dozed off, we talked about this topic. Sin or not sin …! To be honest, in a way I was glad that this issue was keeping us physically apart. I felt very uneasy at the thought of physical closeness with him. Stefan on the other hand was eager to dispel the situation and get me into his room. But for a while, we just kept talking and I was content with that.

Every morning one of Stefan’s buddies showed up to help in the barn and do my cousin’s job. I enjoyed every minute of it. My cousin took me on tractor rides to be with me without raising any suspicion in others. I went for the same reason. My visit happened in January and without having any gloves, my fingers almost fell off holding on to the tractor. I guess the glow in my heart kept me warm. When you are that young you don’t show discomfort to the object of your affection.

One night I couldn’t bail out anymore. Stefan convinced me to sneak into his room. On tiptoes, I left Maria’s room. Slowly I went to Stefan hearing every crack with every single step in the old farmhouse, terrified my uncle or aunt would come out to see what is going on. Stefan welcomed me with open arms. We were both in our pajamas and hugged passionately. Or shall I say his passion was a bit more intense? It took only one comment about my “amazing” physique and my fear swept away all my passion in an instant. My only thought while kissing was how fast I could leave that room and go back to my bed. Eventually, I was able to leave after a few kisses. I can’t even describe the relief I felt to be back in my bed.

During the last few days of my stay, I felt extremely uncomfortable around Stefan. I tried to avoid being alone with him. Stefan still walked around love-struck and tried to catch me alone.

The departure day came and at the last moment, Stefan grabbed my hand. We promised to write to each other. I didn’t want him to write to my home because of my mother. We arranged that he would send the letters to my best girlfriend in Switzerland with a code word on the envelope so that she wouldn’t open it. That worked wonderfully for a while. The distance between us let my love blossom again. I wish I still had his letters — they were so sweet. Unfortunately, I threw them away in fear my resourceful mother would find them. The letter exchange could have gone on forever.

During my stay in Germany Stefan had shown me an old-fashioned alarm clock and told me that his first love would receive this clock. One day when I came home from school, I had a package waiting for me with the alarm clock in it. Of course, my mother wanted to know why Stefan sent me a package and what that all was about. I didn’t say anything, but I’d had enough. All the passion was gone and reality set in. Facing my mother was all it took to end the little love story.

I sent him the last letter telling him that I couldn’t write anymore because I felt so guilty, that we had to forget our feelings for each other. That was the end of my first love. I never received another letter from Stefan and believe it or not — to this day Stefan doesn’t know that he was my first big love.

A few years later, I was in my early twenties, my family was visiting my uncle and I saw my cousin again. He was about to get married, and I met his bride. He seemed so happy, and that made me happy too. For me, it will always be a sweet memory of my youth, my first love.

Footnote: The names are made up to protect my cousins but the story is a true memory of mine.